I didn’t want to write anything about The Man. The Man and his Greatness. Because well I figured all the great writers are writing about him right now. And I am not a great writer. And well what do I have to say about him that has not been said.
But after I mentioned this to the hubby he said “so what” you still have the right to mourn him to express your own personal feelings about the man.
…This Amazing Man the One and Only Nelson Mandela.
And as I sat and watched the tributes roll in. Watched the pictures being posted and his words being shared again and again I felt it. That thing that is the undeniable fact that we have lived in a time that framed the life of Nelson Mandela. A fierce crusader for Justice and Equality. A person who with dignity forged himself into a diamond a pearl through his hardship. This man this champion this leader….has Passed… and the tears fall unchecked .
I have to say that my attachment to Mandela was a very selfish one and very small by my own estimation. To me he represents Endurance and Patience and Despite the Odds Triumph.
I have found that my path has not been one that has been straight and easy to navigate. The twists and turns have been many. The pain has been real and the ability to cope has been needed. I found that because of this I gravitated towards those that have endured. I gained strength through them. Those that have not just survived but thrived admits the turmoil and chaos. Those were my beacons of light.
When I looked on his countenance I saw the years but not the scars. I saw the wisdom and the knowledge and the determination and the clarity. But I did not see hate and resentment and exhaustation in well-doing. How did he do this?
I am 10 yrs old and it is pitch black and I am lying very still in bed but I am awake. The smell is keeping me awake that along with the scratchy ness of the thin blanket and the fact that I am cold. All of these things plus the narrowness of the bed are not allowing sleep to come. I feel the breath of my sister who is lying beside me. Her slowed breathing is the only warmth I feel and it’s steady cadence calms me. As I train my ear to listen I can single out six different breathing patterns. You see my whole family is in this room. We are in a shelter or rather a Half-Way house. Half way to where? The streets I suppose and we are happy to have a place to stay….
How did he do that? How did he not come out of prison after 27 years not broken and battered angry and rage full . How? Those that knew him said that prison was a crucible and that Mandela bent the place and the people to his content of character. Aaahhh his character. The cell was tiny I have seen pictures and it housed a bed a table a chair and a pail. In the first 10 years he was allowed one visitor a year for 30 min and one letter every 6 months.
“Difficulties break some men then make others, no axe is sharp enough to cut the soul of a sinner who keeps on trying, one armed with the hope that he will rise even in the end” Nelson Mandela
My deepest desire in my life is to live fully. Mandela lived fully. To do this one must keep ones spirit intact. Though your spirit might be battered and bruised. It is like the heart is for the body. You must have it intact in order to live. Our spirit is the very life blood to our existence and it must not be broken. And so I protect mine with my very breath.
I am 8 yrs old… or so and I am lying in bed telling stories to my siblings. I say my age loosely for it really doesn’t matter. During my child hood I learned to forget so often and so well that recalling things now creates an ever shifting sheet of ice. Just when I lock ahold of something it breaks off and drifts away. Instead I remember through my senses and senses bely age. I am in bed telling stories to drown out the sound of arguing coming from the other room. I am animated and have voices for each character. They laugh and we talk and one by one they fall off to sleep. I lie awake listening. What is the matter? The usual. Lack of money, too many mouths to feed…not enough work… general annoyance and dismay about life. I hear a slap and then low crying.
I saw in this man the ability to endure. We live in a “right now” ”easily hurt” society. Every challenge or discomfort is looked on as an evil . Comfort is sought at every turn even to the discomfort of others. “Life is hard” is spoken after a bad day at the office. People are in therapy for having been love to hard.” I read somewhere “You Day was Bad…not your Life”. How true. I sober up.
Mandela went to prison at 45 yrs old. The prime of life. He was released at 72yrs old.
HOW did he Endure? How did he thrive? HOW!! I am sure he had his bad days and months…hell I’m sure he had years of despair of doubt of fear of …no way outness. But yet he resolved to not be broken.
I am 18yrs old sitting in a car that my mother is driving she is talking and talking I am catching every other word. ”Don’t come home” , “Don’t call”. I am staring down at the brace on my knee shifting it slightly to relive the dull throb… or is it in my head. ”You have to figure your own way, I’m done”. We pull off to the side of the road where I see my friends waiting in their new red Civic to take me back to school. She is talking I am thinking… 3 months I have 3 months. She sits down my bags as I scan their bright faces. Watching a different mother great them warmly … I wonder who can take me in for the summer…and what to do about my leg…Hmmmm.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemy” Nelson Mandela
This Man this remarkable man. Was released from prison while I was in college. He came out waving and Smiling. I remember his smile in all the news feeds. Not just a happy to be out of prison smile but a brilliant alchemy smile. He smiled like he had been made into Gold and he was about to Shine…!!!!
Oh and Shine he did! Watching him become the President of the Country that Imprisoned him was a day like no other. The people singing in the streets the banners waving the feeling of triumph and joy was palatable!! Though it was February It felt like spring and smelled like rainbows
“It always seems impossible until it is done”. Nelson Mandela
I am in the bed in the hospital it is bright and cheerful and full of flowers and balloons. Oh how I love flowers. I train my eyes on one of the blooms then look out of the window that is streaming with light. I am feeling excited, nervous and anxious. My life as I’ve known it has shifted permanently I have had a child. I shiver and pull the covers tight around me. The door opens and in walks my husband beaming followed by the nurse wheeling in our child. They announce she is perfect and lay her in my arms. She is so sweet and small and brown. she smells like morning and I stroke her little cheek and something in me relaxes. I realize I have been holding my breath and I laugh as I exhale and tears stream down my face. She is here, she is healthy I have done it. Fear fights for a place to be. What if I’m a bad mom? What if she doesn’t like me or I her. What if we don’t bond. She yawns and fidgets. I caress her small head and she opens her eyes. We lock eyes briefly on one another. She blinks yawns and closes her eyes once more. As if to say…”Hey… there you are …cool catch you in a bit” She was not worried at all. I am aloft on the waves of love. If I were a mere mortal before that day I got my cape at that moment. I felt fierce and determined and healed as I looked into her tiny face. The day I married I knew true love was possible the day my baby was born I knew I had come into my own. I felt capable and fully present. I knew I had the ability to fly.
I looked up to see my husband smiling down on me …What?
“Nothing you’re just shining bright…like a diamond”
This Man lived and more than fulfilled his purpose in life. He lived a life to be honored and emulated. He showed us what the human spirit was capable of and then charged us to do the same. He did not belittle anyones story or struggle but understood in all of us is the capacity to overcome and Love despite the challenges. My heart is forever changed because he lived.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear but of the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid. But he who conquers that Fear” Nelson Mandela
Rest in Peace Great Man.
We Love You
I have a girlfriend who every time she see’s me she has to compliment my ass. She really just can’t help it. We hug, kiss, tell each other how good it is to see one another and at some point when I turn around she gets a view of my ass and she let’s me know. ”Girrllll you have the best ass”! Now I know she is genuinely happy to see it. All round and I hope perky:-) I understand she doesn’t possess such pronounced bounty and well when she see’s mine it must make her smile. And In her mind I guess It deserves a compliment… every time.
But I have to admit. In the beginning of our friendship this “booty report” would totally throw me off. ”What was she really trying to say!” Was I getting fat? I spent more time then usual sideways in the mirror trying to do before and after booty comparisons. Was I bigger then the last time I saw her? Yada Yada. I would go so far as to try on “The Pants”! You know the ones you keep in your closet but don’t wear. The ones you rocked before kids. You try them on every now and then (for me weekly). To see if they still fit. Hey I use that instead of a scale. Getting into them in general is not an option. But are they tighter then last week or looser? Inquiring minds wanna know!! Each encounter with my friend would throw me into the same funky head space. But not for long!! Luckily by the time I had met her I had grown. Not sideways but upward…I was Wiser.
See she met me after the turbulent years. Because now me and my body are not only on good speaking terms. We have become friends. It isn’t that we always see eye to eye . Lord knows we have our spats. But we enjoy each others company. Laugh at the same jokes and agreed on the basics. We are in this together!!
Now this wasn’t always so. There was a time that my ample bottom along with the rest of me did not make me happy at all. I call those years (12 yrs old until 8 years ago)… The Dark Ages” Back in the day my bottom along with my sturdy thighs among other things were parts to be hid, draped and covered at all times. I developed this hour glass shape pretty early on. And we all know how adolescent boys can be…”Loud and Descriptive” about what they see. And even though my “development “was complimented. It made me feel self conscious. And of course true to “Crazy form” you want that which you don’t have. I, like every other girl in the Universe /Stratosphere wanted to be Skinny!! Or at least that’s what it feels like, one body type (give or take boobs and a tiny butt) for 500 million women. That’s INSANE!! (not to be confused with “Insanity” a very popular workout video.)
My relationship with my body closely resembled that of a dissappoving parent who’s kid was lucky enough to get a smirk or a grunt of approval on any given day. ”Now you know good and well that in “this family” all we have are Skinny Thighs …uh I mean ”Straight A students” young lady.” So what do you call This!!! Hmmm blink blink…looks a little too wide to lumpy to bumpy to, short to tall toooooo something that wasn’t meeting with “moms” strict standards.
Only sometimes on rare occasions when the outfit was perfect perfect and I had eaten just the right meal for a flat stomach. And the clothes hit at just the right angle and the light bounced off the right side of the planet as the sun and moon eclipsed and the birds sang in operatic unison…was I Happy with what I saw in the mirror. Good Lord…who wants to live with this kind of disapproval all the freakin time. It was enough to make a person wanna run away!! And stay gone! But since the person I wanted to run away from was me. We settled on a “if you don’t start nothin’ neither will I” kinda relationship. We stayed away from religion, politics and short shorts hoping that would keep us out of trouble.
It wasn’t until after the Freshman 15 lbs, after it was lost, after College, after studying abroad, after living in NY & London, after my first real heart break, after my first 10 jobs after my first years of marriage and after my first BABY!!! That I finally really started having another kind of relationship with my body. That I stopped being the DOM needing my body to be the Submissive… That I started a new conversation with my body. A conversation that involved listening and talking. Where nurturing and loving and kindness came into my “body vocabulary” Where allowing my body to be be itself came into my way of being.
I remembered desiring with all of my might to be pregnant. I so prayed my body would cooperate. I remembered with elation waving around the stick that showed two mighty stripes. I remembered watching my body change with a new life growing deep inside. All of the thoughtfulness and the savoring of food that not only kept me alive but grew another life as well. Oh how I clucked over every choice. Lovingly reading the packaging. Checking to make sure that I was taking in enough of this or that so that the heart and lungs and brain would be perfect on this new being. Aaaahhh food & exercise became my wand and I it’s sorcerer. We were not only friends we were allies and we were in perfect pitch harmony ”Must birth healthy baby”!!!
And we did it!!! We accomplished said task!! My beautiful daughter was born. After the process I looked at my body with it’s new curves and new bumps and lumps and thought…hmmm where to now?
Instead of going into complete panic mode. I read every accounting of how to get my body back. I had exercised throughout (doing yoga until the very day I birthed her). I had slathered myself with cream from head to toe. Get close to me during pregnancy and you are liable to slip slide away. I decided this was our new project and I dived right in. I did everything reccomended including binding my stomach, drinking the teas and starting slowly. I was invigorated with the process (yes with some anxiety) I was experiencing sleepless nights and long days. I was breastfeeding and tied down to a new crazy schedule of what she wanted when she wanted it! Ugh!!
I had the baby blues and I wondered could I… would it …can we? But now I wasn’t dealing with an enemy. My body had somehow thru the process proved itself to me. It proved it’s strength its capableness it’s amazing nurturing power. I was now dealing with a friend. And so we made a pact. If I chose the right things to eat, & moved my body as often as I could. If I would journal and talk to friends. If I would write and keep my mind moving. If I would seek help from my hubby and baby care. Then my body would do it’s part. It would pull itself back in and tighten up. It would allow me to walk and then run. It would glow and smooth out…it would calm into peace of mind. It would take care of me if I took care of it!
It grieves me to no end to hear us girls/women/mommies berating our bodies soooooo! Argh!! The mean words we say the unkind ways we treat our beings. The yucky things we feed our bodies and the lack of movement that our bodies must endure and then to be so un-lovingly thought of. It’s a wonder they don’t break down and cry daily. And weep for all the things they do that go completely unnoticed. Like the heart beating and the lungs expanding and the brain functioning and the cuts…healed and the babies born. All done with out a thank you in sight…
It’s a wonder they just Wail…and then quit.
And sometimes that’s exactly what happens. They get so tired of being mistreated. That they just can’t take it anymore and let you know it. Too much anxiety…hair falling out. Too much processed food…weight gain. Too much high stress….heart attack. Not enough movement and fresh air…Break down.
Would you want to do “better” for a task master such as this?
It is only thru kind words and action that our bodies will respond in kind. And like any relationship worth saving the change must start with you.
Loving yourself just the way you are. Body scrub and massages for your body as is. New makeup and hair for yourself NOW. New clothes uh huh right NOW. I know you are gonna lose those 20 lbs but your body and soul craves to look good TODAY. We have to love and reward ourselves and bodies for what they have ALREADY accomplished!! We are already behind in the accolades for services already rendered and it is Time to PAY UP and Pay it Forward!!
Recently the hubby posted a great quote about Big Butts & those who love big butts…”Trust anyone who loves Big Butts for they cannot lie”.
I laughed so hard because…
Truth be told I Finally know what my Ass-ets are!!
And I cannot Lie…
And by that I mean I HATE them!
Yep I used the “H” word and I mean it to the 10th degree!!
Having a friendship with an adult is like hanging out with a teenager all day and night. You’re having sooooo much fun sharing, caring and wearing matching bracelets and then BAM someone says something stupid in the hall ( doesn’t even have to be you) but it triggers a series of unfortunate events. Miss understood texts, talking in the locker room and well somehow you get dumped, blamed and well you NEVER know what happened. Remember those days? But fortunately as a teenager …your mom or a teacher or another friend gets wind of the Shakespearean comedy of errors and sits you down and sets the record straight while you all listen to Taylor Swift. Then you all cry and fish the bracelets out of the garbage and say what a dofus you’ve been. And the sun shines and the birds sing and well…you’ve seen the movie!!
But we are not Teenagers nope. In the Adult world it all looks mighty different. In the adult world. You don’t get the promotion, the locks change, the email’s stop, the book club goes on without you. Oh and you are not invited to their kids next birthday party…which by the way is happening at the Kids play space that you regularly take your kids toooooo….AKWARD!
And do you know WHY all of this is happening???? Huh?????
NO….Noooooo You Don’t!!!
Ok Ok maybe after you hit your head on the concrete a number of times you might have a vague shadowy recollect of something that should have been nothing…but hmmmm could that be it? Nahhhh…yeahhhh????
AND do you know WHY you don’t know for sure ? Drumroll please…..
Because no one wants to TALK. The absolute gripping fear of confrontation ( talking things out) Kills 95% of Adult Friendship.
Yep it’s that simple…. no one wants to talk about the shit and the ugh and the hurt and the pain and the stuff. No one wants to confront the uncomfortable-ness that comes with being a person and living a life. No one wants to make a mistake or be seen as someone who has flaws. In order to keep Adult friendships alive ( I have studied the mating rituals of this species) you need to either have an Alien mind meld ( You Absolutely agree with each other on all aspects of life here and beyond). OR be equal parts “Easy going” muscle relaxant style “. ”Blind (Mob Style) ” oh and Numb (that gash…oh please can’t even feel it).
But let’s just say you are one of “those ” people who wanna “talk” wants to know. You can’t just “go along with the rules”!
And if by some chance you corner the person to talk and yes I do mean corner them. Just to “talk” and you know “clear the air”. Cuz things (birthday party…book club…girls night outs) are not what they used to be. As in you are no longer invited.
Yep they smile and lie. ”Oh no nothings wrong…just been busy” You know kids, work, school, Bob, Mom…blah blah blah. And there is no Taylor Swift song and there is no fishing the bracelet out of the garbage and well you end up feeling like why oh why did I even ASK. Ugh!
Or they lie and say nothing is wrong and start doing passive aggressive stuff like “forgetting to put your name on the list or mention that you were interested in being on that committee or the invitation must of got lost in the mail. Really!! And this happens so often you can’t decipher when the invitation Really is lost in the Mail. Argh!
OR and this is my favorite…you have a come to Jesus talk they tell you everything. You laugh you talk you cry. And then they avoid you like the plague because now you know their secrets and well they can’t bear to see you and (the secrets again). Like… if I tell you… I’ll have to kill you GodFather Style. Sigh!
You know when we were kids. When we knew why sweet shy Sarah started skipping school and smoking in the bathroom with the older kids and sleeping with the football team. We knew that her parents had gotten a divorce and the dad remarried and he doesn’t come around anymore. We knew that her mother started to drink and that she cries at night. We still talk to her on weekends when her Grandmother brings her to the same church you go to. She admits she’s sad and being “stupid” with all those boys but she’s pissed at her dad. We still see her as she really is. We talk and laugh about happier times. We are happy for her when her mother gets a new job and meets a nice guy. And we couldn’t be prouder when she starts coming to school with a scrubbed face and pig tails again.
Remember those days.
But as an adult we don’t know what happened to each other prior to starting this new job…moving to this new town…joining the same mommy and me class. Instead we get to “know” the person we see at the school bake sale and the kids soccer games. We might have some play dates with the kids or go out to a Happy Hour. And we might start to notice that they never mention the town they were in before. Or that they can Never go out after the PTA meeting (something about the husband liking you home) or they don’t talk about their first marriage or they drink a little too much.
And we all have a choice.
To get to “know” them better or just let this new info float along on the breeze….All easy going like…
And this choice becomes less conscious and more about survival the more hurt and confusion we suffer at the hands of so called “friends”. If enough Friend-grenades go off in your face. Well you just don’t wanna “know” anymore. We just wanna “get along” have a “nice” time and not “spoil” everything. So we live a life of almost friendship. It’s kinda toddler style. We do things side by side but we don’t “Share”. We don’t wanna risk (being pummeled in the head with a rattle).
We smile and bake and cry in private. We suffer from misunderstanding and half told truths. We share a laugh over our kids heads in line and we tell “all about our day” in the bleachers. When it goes wrong when we hurt or get hurt…Well we just join another class or sign up for another committee or move.
We are the walking wounded. Hurting and being hurt. Unconsciously and sometimes on purpose. It’s all just horrifying.
I find this kinda life Sucky and crazy uncomfortable and yucky and icky. Kinda like half living. All of this NO INTIMACY Makes me wanna Holla!! Yeah I’m besties with my hubby and my kiddies are “my life” but Seriously!!
I am Raging against the machine. I have decided not to learn” this lesson. I have decided that it is better to love and have loss then to not have loved at all. It is better to know. It is better to be KNOWN. It is better to go in deep and live full and free.
Now don’t get me wrong I do all of this oh so carefully these days. The years of friend – grenades going off have left their mark I must admit. I have little or no patience for small talk and being with people that I feel no organic connection. I am not interested in agreeing about the weather and being with the “cool” crowd…who even knows what that means anymore.
I want to “feel” something I want to be connected to like minded people. I want to dance, travel, laugh and cry. I want to talk about stuff that matters I wanna smell the roses. I want to encourage and be encouraged. I want the space to be honest and full and Me…tiara and all.
Because If the grenade goes off… I wanna have been reaching for soul intimacy.
Live Big or Go Home….
So as you know it’s the day after Halloween which basically means it’s the week before Christmas!!
My daughter woke up this morning and literally wanted to know how many more days we had until Christmas? Huh!!! It was Halloween like 8 hours ago. I felt sweaty and my heart started to race.
Because I realized that they must have gotten to her…
Them…those people…those ADVERTISER Zombies and Make Money Money Vampires had bitten my baby!!!
We all know late last night they were throwing the pumpkins in the trash along with the candy and the scary masks and the wicked witch costumes… some with kids still tricker treating in them!!! Because they are in sucha darn rush to move on to the NEXT Thing. The Next Money Making THING!!
Yeah it was JUST Yesterday! So before you feel pressured to buy your Turkey tomorrow and put your wreath up on Sunday.
I recommend that for just a moment Pause and Breathe Deep. Don’t take down your skeletons and goblins…leave your brilliantly carved pumpkins out!! Take a moment to LINGER…Yep linger and spread out in this moment.
This weekend I challenge you to make a list of all of the ways you want to feel this Holiday Season. Yes FEEL…like I want to feel connected to family. Or I want to feel peaceful or joyful or accomplished or loved. Or I want to meet new people.
Then write a list of what has to be done for the Holidays. I gotta take the kids to see my parents. Or I gotta buy toys, I gotta buy people Christmas gifts. I gotta go to the darn office party…Yes the ”Gotta Do” list can go on and on.
Now look and see if how you want to feel and what you have to do make any overlaps. Like I want to feel connected to my family…overlaps with I gotta take my kids to see my parents. Or I wanna meet new people might overlap with the Office Party. Or I want to feel accomplished overlaps with what I need to give people for Christmas ( maybe you make something)!!
Hmmmm Maybe just maybe you can come out on the other end of this Frenzied Season Feeling anything BUT…Frenzied.
Instead you “get to feel” Accomplished and Connected and Surrounded by people and Love.
Just by changing our Perspective we can change the whole Experience.
Ok so that’s my take!!
Cuz gosh darnit I’m still eating Candy!!
Are you a Voyeur? I hope so because I’m about to take you on my Friday Fantasy World of intrigue and make believe… Ok I’ve gone too far It’s Friday and I thought it would be fun to share my alternate Universe Fantasy Friday… Whaaa ha haaaaa ( sorry that’s a Halloween Scary voice)
Absolutely no Judgement in reading …it’s my fantasy.
So the day starts with my own personal Meditation Guru sounding the gong and aligning my chi in my private OM sanctuary ….the candles flicker as the bamboo sways ( cue the soft yogi music). I vibrate with the feeling of Peace, Calm and Oneness…
Finished and re-calibrated on my “Mission of Personal Greatness” Whooohoooo!!
I join my personal trainer “Tracy Anderson” who takes me through my paces in my home gym. ( Cue Rick Ross and “I’m a Boss”) blasting from the speakers.
Finished I run upstairs (dream home moment) Cue the slow motion anything by Beyonce and halo lights.
I enter the children’s wing of the house. They are already stirring and starting to put on their clothes…beds are made and they are in great co-operative Morning Moods!! (Shhhh no input please)
We laugh and I help them into their clothes ( I picked them out they approve) we smell the yummy smells of breakfast floating up the stairs. Whiffs of Fresh coffee brewing and hmmmm I think that’s organic bacon sizzling must be a pancake, egg whites morning. Oh and yes there it is the whirring of the blender as my green drink is lovingly prepared. (Cue Florence from the Brady Bunch)
Kissing the kiddies on the head I proceed to my wing of the house. Where my handsome hubby (yep same one he happens to be my fantasy already) is just coming back from a morning run. All glistening with our morning work out we embrace and passionately kiss as he rubs my just worked out buns of steel. I pull away…no time for that …but then plant a quick furtive kiss just to let him know the evening promises more ….from where that came from. ( Cue heavy sigh followed by “I still got it hmmm hmm”)
After showering I sit to have my hair blown and styled and makeup done for the day…by yes you guessed it Professional Hair and Makeup Folk …I don’t know they names yet.
Coiffed and dressed I join the family for breakfast as we share “Family fun moments”.
Piling into my Hybrid Range Rover ( no they don’t have one yet) I drop the kids off at school and hug and kiss them and remind them “Grandma & Grandpa are picking them up to take them for the weekend” (i say “Grandma& Grandpa” loosely casting still to be determined). They whoop and squeal in delight. And for those who are wondering the aforementiond “Grandma & Grandpa” keep clothes and everything they need at their place so there’s never any need to pack)!! Ha! (Cue the you betta do it music.)
I drive to my Production offices on the Paramount lot where I greeted by my assistant and my head of Productions. They brief me on my day. I then proceed to have back to back high powered meetings regarding my “Shows” on the air my “Films” in the works and my “Book deals”. All items are “rating giants”, ”getting the green lights” and in “final edit”. Whooohooo!! I leave my assistant with notes to Hire Hire HIRE. Say yes to 3 speaking engagements ( I do them for young people for free) and set up a meeting to look over the plans for the school we are building.
I then zip off to meet my Besties for lunch Kerry Washington, Beyonce, and Gwyneth Paltrow at an organic unassuming location. The subject “Girl Domination, World Up liftment and of course FASHION” Whooohooo!! No soundtrack needed…Beyonce is at the table!! Oprah calls in and reminds us that we are all meeting her in Cabo at the One & Only for the weekend.
Fast forward to me and the hubby on a moonlit beach in Cabo. Swaying to the music of Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Jill Scott Adele, (they decided to come down also)
We look loving into each others eyes….we throw our heads back and laugh in complete bliss kiss we can’t believe we get to live this LIFE!!
Ok so this post is not for everyone…gonna say that right off the bat.
It’s opinionated and you can be offended (depending on how you feel right now) But it is me ranting and it is my blog so deal with it or stop reading!
I’m oh so tired of being asked “where am I going?” on any given day because of how I am dressed? As in I got dressed! Many think it is dressed up but for me it’s truly how I like to show up in the world. It’s not being phony or fake or vain it’s caring enough to send my very best me out into the world every day. It’s something my grandmother and mother taught me along with wearing clean underwear ( you never know what might happen in a day). I truly believe clothes do not make you ”who” you are but they are the first “representative” that people see before you even speak.
I walk in the world largely as someones mom and someones wife. Well guess what I’m still a singular ME.
Somewhere along the way after Betty Draper wore pearls to kiss Don Draper at the door ( Mad Men reference) We Moms have let go of the idea of tending to ourselves. As if to say the more dishelved we are the more we must Love our kids. I’m calling Bull Sh$%t! Taking care of ourselves is essential to how we feel and how we FEEL effects just about everything in our lives. We dress our kids with care and we think it reflects how we care about them. Well guess what it does! So the same holds true for you. And loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves is a wonderful thing for our kids to mirror later on.
Cuz hey we matter too!!
And think about this we are essentially spending our youth caring for our kids. By the time they leave our house in (5-10-15 years) You will be…well you do the math. Now are you really gonna wait till then… to “Find the Time” ….to get a new dress, heck a new wardrobe, buy some new shoes, buy some fancy face cream, try a new haircut, have a massage, get your nails done, go out for a date night, or a girls night out… or dance into the night. Please live your life!!
Which brings me to my next point…
We Are Not OLD… I repeat we are NOT OLD! You know how I know. Cuz the elderly get discounts and tax credits and special parking spaces. I don’t get any of these. Do You? So until I do I’m retaining my right to be comfortably youthful with a twist of wisdom. I suggest you do the same.
Which brings me to my last point. You are not getting out of this Alive. NO matter what you do or don’t do who you love or don’t love. What dreams you go for or not. This is all ending up in the same place…the grave. With that in Mind. Go For IT!!! Dance class, Painting, blogging, starting your own business, continuing your education, wearing a thong, heels or a bathing suit!! Do It !! No matter what It is. No matter if people think you are dumb or stupid or ridiculous or past the “time” when you “should” be doing this kinda thing. Or dreaming these kinda dreams or desiring this kind of thing.
Who Freakin Cares!!
It’s Your Tiara and YOU Got the Right to WEAR IT!!
We have taken up arms against one another. Yes we have the “Right to Bear Arms” to defend ourselves. Unfortunately those who are picking up their “arms”all too often are the walking wounded.
Wounded by mental illness or perceived offense or open hatred or prejudice or spite or personal vendetta. We are in a post 911 haze of post-traumatic stress syndrome. On guard at all times… Our lives have become a field of perceived land mines.
It has led to untold deaths, murders, killing spree’s and injury.
I am layed low by the enormity of sadness.
Trayvon Martin…. I have no words…
I have a wonderful young son. He is beautiful and innocent and sweet and people look at him and smile. He is only 5yrs old he is a non threat and people smile at him wherever he goes. Black, White old and young they smile. It is involuntary this smile but it lights his world wherever he goes.
But what happens as he grows?
As a mom our hearts are always sad as our babies grow up. Seeing our small bundles grow into full adulthood is a bitter sweet thing. But as he grows as my African American boy grows what happens to others perception of him? Will the smile linger on their faces?
Will his teenage years with all of it’s complexities all of it’s trying to find ones place. Lead to self expression that does not feel so “Open so Sweet So Un- Offensive.
We all know the scowl of the perpetual bored teen, the hair color the clothes… the “hoodies”
Will he be followed in the night …will he be seen as a “threat” will he be shot unarmed…
Will his killer go free…
Will we heal as a nation? Will we stand up and state that we are under “post traumatic stress” and seek help. Seek help for the hidden places in us that “profile” in the name of safety or religious rights or political rights or in defense of of “our Way of Life”!!
Will we take up “arms” in our hearts and in our minds to slay Prejudice and Hatred and Bigotry wherever we see it?
I am praying for this to be just the beginning for this new phase of our dialogue on this planet that we all share .
All of our little bundles are depending on Us…
Ok so a word not used much by adults… and I’m talkin about the kind that have “responsibilities” such as spouses, kids and mortgages and such. Is the word Fun. As in “I had soooo much fun it was crazy”!!! The kids have fun the dog has fun the squirrels look like they are having fun. Me? Well I had a pretty good time. Add in the word raucous and well there are even less takers.
It’s cuz we are sooo damn busy. Busy with the kids and the dogs and the squirrels. Busy with the bills and paying the mortgage and cleaning the house and doing the laundry. We are too busy to have fun. Ugh:( So thank the good Lord for holidays and weekends, birthdays and anniversaries . If ever we are gonna eek out some fun we are at least guaranteed the opportunity to try on one of these days.
For me the Merry Month of May houses my Birthday, my Anniversary and Mothers Day!!
I don’t wanna “look” like I’m having a good time …no posturing no standing in a corner looking cool and drinking. No having hushed conversations about the weather or sports or even kids for that matter. I wanna feel joy and expansion and freedom.
I wanna be free to be Me!!
The kinda free that you sweat out your hair, wear waterproof mascara and take off your heels for…ok maybe not the heels (let’s not get sloppy) but you know what I’m talking about. A little abandon in ones life is a pretty good thing.
Lucky for me I got a guy who thinks that’s not a bad idea himself.
Whooohoo let’s Go!
Drove with the windows down base thumping. Jumped out of the car several times to take pictures in front of our dating landmarks. Complete with a drive by my old apartment where the hubby once climbed up to my bedroom window (2nd floor) to get my attention. I even got a chance to say hi to the new tenant who wanted to see who the hell was taking pictures of his door in the middle of the night. After that drinks at one locale and a romantic dinner at another . And then not ready to call it a night yet. We headed to a club where I proceeded to battle dance two hip guys. Yes I kept my heels on.
As I stood on a couch dancing with a strobe light baton waving in the air . I had a surge of joy that welled up from my tummy. And in the midst of the pulsating beat of the club. I suddenIy saw my kids faces wrapped in hysterical laughter as we played the new “circus stunts” game I had just made up a few days earlier. Really!! Try watching another person try and touch their toes to their ear…ok but this time without your hands!! HA!! We all laughed so hard our faces hurt and then we played the no laughing game right after. Needless to say we were fit to be tied.
I have big Raucous fun at home… !!!
The idea of it made me jump even higher on the couch. The hubby reached out his hand to steady me and to make sure I had my balance…but no need to worry I felt the ultimate balance of a life well lived.
I was living in Pure Magic …strobe light sold separately.
Beautiful- A quality that delights the senses especially sight, a High Standard, style grace, ease and symmetry.
Mommy- Loving, kind, hard work, lot’s of work, messes and cleaning and hugging and holding and endless nights…
Can these two be joined?
By nature I am a Seeker a Striver a Doer a Pusher. I pride myself in my warrior spirit in my never give up ness and my take no prisoners attitude. After all I am a Type A personality. Even my blood type points to the fact that I love physicality pushed up to the max. I do everything full out. Clean house (laundry done and folded into neat drawers included) , Happy Children (wrestling on the floor included) Loving Hubby ( head included) “I’m all heart Jerry”!!
That’s the nice version of my tireless striving for perfection…or let’s just call it what it is. I’m a kvetcher, a fidget fest a never done-er. A ….now that we have finished a b c and d where the hell is “E”!!!
This is the “super woman” plight of many a mommy that I have seen. This endless push to do more to do better to… do mo better.
I cycle through life with a feeling that I have to just keep doing, pushing striving. I feel through this doing that I can somehow “earn” my happiness.
But it has occured to me that not only is the “Pursuit of Happiness” making me annoyed it’s making me tired and well it’s making me frown and anyone who knows me knows I don’t like to frown. Cuz well they produce frown lines and that’s just not cute…
And I am All about Cute and Sexy and Elegant and Lovely and fields of Tulips. In the midst of the laundry and the spills and the tears and the fuss and the bills and the stress and the mess. Where oh where are my tulip fields?
I want it all!! But I want it with “Real Simple” style ease and Sophia Loren sexy grace. No grin and bear it. No – all the way to the end of the page with letters loped off. I wanna fit in the margins with room to spare. I want to have moments at the end of the day just to just lay on the floor and look up at the stars. Ok watch a funny movie. And contemplate the color of the Tuscan sky. Ok have time for foreplay not just the main show. And then softly ever so softly drift off to sleep…
Not fall face forward into bed or better yet drag my tired ass to the side and sit, then slump over exhausted. Fitful to the end with the endless “to do” list scrolling through my head.
So as a gift to myself for my birthday its in May!! I am going on a journey, for the next 30 days I’m on an adventure.
To find the flow and the ease and the giggle and the joy and the slide and the glide and the light and the beauty and elegance in all this doing-ness.
I shall journal as I journey…
As I find the Beautiful Mommy Life.
Follow me if you dare
A Love Orgy!!
A Day put aside for Love…
Not for shootin, killin’, destroying….Not for police stake outs and stand offs…
“Nobody got no time for that!”
Today is about spreading the Love and sharing it.
I know I know they have advertised it…to the hilt!!
It cost a months salary and reservations made back in June.
But I’m not talking about Valentines Day….
I’m talkin about Love Day!
I’m talking about Love on your kids day. Tell your momma you appreciate her day. Dress up for your man day. Pick flowers for your wife day. Write a poem for your spouse day!
I’m talking about REAL LOVE!!!
Give a dollar to a homeless person today. Tell a teacher you think they are great today. Smile at a stranger today!
Get Butt Naked!
No voyeurs on this day. No cynics today… there is always tomorrow. But for today No excuses for not showing us a flash of skin….a slip of a thigh a accidental on purpose wardrobe malfunction. I want it All!
Look there is still time. Yep right now pull out a piece a paper fold it in half cut out a heart….put your name on it…along with the words “You Rock glad you are on the Planet”! Pick some flowers…side of the road will do. Get a bottle of sparkling water (pour out the water) Put flowers inside! You are ready for some random love.
Happy Love day to someone anyone!
Give Full Frontal Today People….!!!
What does the World need Now….!!!
Yep you got it!!