Ok so a word not used much by adults… and I’m talkin about the kind that have “responsibilities” such as spouses, kids and mortgages and such. Is the word Fun. As in “I had soooo much fun it was crazy”!!! The kids have fun the dog has fun the squirrels look like they are having fun. Me? Well I had a pretty good time. Add in the word raucous and well there are even less takers.
It’s cuz we are sooo damn busy. Busy with the kids and the dogs and the squirrels. Busy with the bills and paying the mortgage and cleaning the house and doing the laundry. We are too busy to have fun. Ugh:( So thank the good Lord for holidays and weekends, birthdays and anniversaries . If ever we are gonna eek out some fun we are at least guaranteed the opportunity to try on one of these days.
For me the Merry Month of May houses my Birthday, my Anniversary and Mothers Day!!
I don’t wanna “look” like I’m having a good time …no posturing no standing in a corner looking cool and drinking. No having hushed conversations about the weather or sports or even kids for that matter. I wanna feel joy and expansion and freedom.
I wanna be free to be Me!!
The kinda free that you sweat out your hair, wear waterproof mascara and take off your heels for…ok maybe not the heels (let’s not get sloppy) but you know what I’m talking about. A little abandon in ones life is a pretty good thing.
Lucky for me I got a guy who thinks that’s not a bad idea himself.
Whooohoo let’s Go!
Drove with the windows down base thumping. Jumped out of the car several times to take pictures in front of our dating landmarks. Complete with a drive by my old apartment where the hubby once climbed up to my bedroom window (2nd floor) to get my attention. I even got a chance to say hi to the new tenant who wanted to see who the hell was taking pictures of his door in the middle of the night. After that drinks at one locale and a romantic dinner at another . And then not ready to call it a night yet. We headed to a club where I proceeded to battle dance two hip guys. Yes I kept my heels on.
As I stood on a couch dancing with a strobe light baton waving in the air . I had a surge of joy that welled up from my tummy. And in the midst of the pulsating beat of the club. I suddenIy saw my kids faces wrapped in hysterical laughter as we played the new “circus stunts” game I had just made up a few days earlier. Really!! Try watching another person try and touch their toes to their ear…ok but this time without your hands!! HA!! We all laughed so hard our faces hurt and then we played the no laughing game right after. Needless to say we were fit to be tied.
I have big Raucous fun at home… !!!
The idea of it made me jump even higher on the couch. The hubby reached out his hand to steady me and to make sure I had my balance…but no need to worry I felt the ultimate balance of a life well lived.
I was living in Pure Magic …strobe light sold separately.
Beautiful- A quality that delights the senses especially sight, a High Standard, style grace, ease and symmetry.
Mommy- Loving, kind, hard work, lot’s of work, messes and cleaning and hugging and holding and endless nights…
Can these two be joined?
By nature I am a Seeker a Striver a Doer a Pusher. I pride myself in my warrior spirit in my never give up ness and my take no prisoners attitude. After all I am a Type A personality. Even my blood type points to the fact that I love physicality pushed up to the max. I do everything full out. Clean house (laundry done and folded into neat drawers included) , Happy Children (wrestling on the floor included) Loving Hubby ( head included) “I’m all heart Jerry”!!
That’s the nice version of my tireless striving for perfection…or let’s just call it what it is. I’m a kvetcher, a fidget fest a never done-er. A ….now that we have finished a b c and d where the hell is “E”!!!
This is the “super woman” plight of many a mommy that I have seen. This endless push to do more to do better to… do mo better.
I cycle through life with a feeling that I have to just keep doing, pushing striving. I feel through this doing that I can somehow “earn” my happiness.
But it has occured to me that not only is the “Pursuit of Happiness” making me annoyed it’s making me tired and well it’s making me frown and anyone who knows me knows I don’t like to frown. Cuz well they produce frown lines and that’s just not cute…
And I am All about Cute and Sexy and Elegant and Lovely and fields of Tulips. In the midst of the laundry and the spills and the tears and the fuss and the bills and the stress and the mess. Where oh where are my tulip fields?
I want it all!! But I want it with “Real Simple” style ease and Sophia Loren sexy grace. No grin and bear it. No – all the way to the end of the page with letters loped off. I wanna fit in the margins with room to spare. I want to have moments at the end of the day just to just lay on the floor and look up at the stars. Ok watch a funny movie. And contemplate the color of the Tuscan sky. Ok have time for foreplay not just the main show. And then softly ever so softly drift off to sleep…
Not fall face forward into bed or better yet drag my tired ass to the side and sit, then slump over exhausted. Fitful to the end with the endless “to do” list scrolling through my head.
So as a gift to myself for my birthday its in May!! I am going on a journey, for the next 30 days I’m on an adventure.
To find the flow and the ease and the giggle and the joy and the slide and the glide and the light and the beauty and elegance in all this doing-ness.
I shall journal as I journey…
As I find the Beautiful Mommy Life.
Follow me if you dare
A Love Orgy!!
A Day put aside for Love…
Not for shootin, killin’, destroying….Not for police stake outs and stand offs…
“Nobody got no time for that!”
Today is about spreading the Love and sharing it.
I know I know they have advertised it…to the hilt!!
It cost a months salary and reservations made back in June.
But I’m not talking about Valentines Day….
I’m talkin about Love Day!
I’m talking about Love on your kids day. Tell your momma you appreciate her day. Dress up for your man day. Pick flowers for your wife day. Write a poem for your spouse day!
I’m talking about REAL LOVE!!!
Give a dollar to a homeless person today. Tell a teacher you think they are great today. Smile at a stranger today!
Get Butt Naked!
No voyeurs on this day. No cynics today… there is always tomorrow. But for today No excuses for not showing us a flash of skin….a slip of a thigh a accidental on purpose wardrobe malfunction. I want it All!
Look there is still time. Yep right now pull out a piece a paper fold it in half cut out a heart….put your name on it…along with the words “You Rock glad you are on the Planet”! Pick some flowers…side of the road will do. Get a bottle of sparkling water (pour out the water) Put flowers inside! You are ready for some random love.
Happy Love day to someone anyone!
Give Full Frontal Today People….!!!
What does the World need Now….!!!
Yep you got it!!
It is night and I am awakened by a sound. I lift my heavy head off of the pillow and listen again to be sure. Yep there it is again the sound of one of my children coughing. I look over at my sleeping husband he stirs ever so slightly. I think to wake him but decide against it. I gently rise from the bed. Stepping into my slippers and grabbing my wrap for warmth. The red dots of the clock reads 3:43am. This is not my first time up this night and who knows if it will be my last.
I search my foggy brain to remember what types of potions I administered last time I was awake. The kitchen looks like a lab of sorts. I open the fridge and pull out a onion and start to cut it. Next a lemon. My homeopathic remedy book is open on the counter worn from use. I put a kettle on the stove. I continue to hear her cough..my throat itches as well and my head is throbbing…poor baby I think to us both. I enter her room and turn the light on dim to see. There she is covers off hot with fever. Soothingly sounds escape my lips as I sit beside her putting my cool hand on her hot brow. Mommy she says I don’t feel so good. I gently set down the tray of goodies I have brought. All things that might help…some to heal, some to eleviate the pain some to calm her spirit. For a moment I feel a shiver of fear as I always do when one of my children are sick. It is a fear of the sick that you know and the sick that you don’t know. The symptoms that you are familiar with and the ones that can send you racing to the ER in the middle of the night.
After administering the medicine I press a cool towel to her head and stroke her back. Her ragged breathing slows and becomes even. I start to move but she moans for me to stay. Yes of course I will. I close my eyes and go into a meditative state. I can feel mothers everywhere doing the same as me. I always feel this connectedness with other mothers in the still of the night. We mothers we own the night.
One mother in particular. Far away I can feel her restless anguish. Her child is being held hostage tonight.
I know her child.
Tears escape my eyes as I hold her shoulders in my prayers. Head bowed low she grieves and fears for her child’s safety.
Moving away from her gently. My spirit lifts and carries me to her child. A young woman a beautiful spirit, a girlfriend of my brothers from years past. She is family. This is not to be comprehended.
At bedtime prayer I asked my kids to pray for her and send one of their angels to her side. ”Why does she need one of our angels mommy”? ”Because she is not well and she needs their healing strength.” ”Ok they say” zoom zap “Our angels are there mommy”!
I see them now in my prayers as I enter the room she is being held.. They are powerful and strong they are standing vigil as she lies in a bed. I sit by her side draping her shoulders with my prayers. She is cold she says. I tell her to carefully identify which of her captures would most likely give her a blanket.
I sit with her.
As I sit with my child.
I think of a mothers love.
So big and so full that sometimes I must tear myself away from the feeling of it. Just as you must turn away from the intense rays of the sun.
It is the great dichotomy of sorts this mothering thing.
The suffocating need for your own space. Followed by the soul ache to be with them again. Followed by the enormity of the task of raising them. Followed by the daily mind numbing annoyance and aggravation that is the routine of teaching them. Followed by the laughter and the light that is them at their best. Followed by the swiftness of the days and the emptiness that is the space they leave as away they fly …into the world.
It is life on acid this mothering thing…it is a trip.
a soul deepening journey.
it is Amazing.
One child is better.
And then Finally…
The other child is Mercifully… Gratefully…Thankfully…
Oh the Enormity of the LOVE!
Ooooo what’s that smell my 5 year old asks as he tumbles into the back seat of our rental “cuz our car’s in the shop” car. I take a big sniff myself and smile. Oh I tell him that’s the smell of a brand new car. Hmmm he says inhaling again as he buckles himself in. “I like that smell, it smells good”. Now this is coming from a kid who is slightly obsessed with all things new. When he receives a new toy he carries it around in the packaging for a few days. And just when he can’t stand it anymore…he carefully pries it free. But not willing to go all the way. He then carries around the toy with the packaging. Is it to assure himself that it is indeed “still new”? One step further and he plays with said toy… very carefully. Careful less it gets a scratch or goodness forbid bent. But alas how much fun can be had in all this careful play? Not a lot. So with inner urgings full to bursting he finally let’s go and let’s it ripppp
… Zipping and Zooming through the day.
I love love this phase because it is only with this type of abandon this type of freedom that you can really see what this toy can do!! Watching him get past the superficial into the real is priceless.
I go on to tell him that there are even sprays for you to re-create that “new car smell” in your old car. Hmmm he says as he mulls that over. Not sure if he thinks that’s any good or not. Finally he declares “yeah mommy that’s great I loved my old jet with the blue tail wing do you remember it mommy” Yes I say. Remembering what a fit he had when the wing had fallen off after a fateful air battle with a friend. Well he says “I wanted a new one but really If you could just spray that spray on it then it would be New again and then you wouldn’t have to buy me a new one.” ”Wouldn’t that be great mommy”? I’m realizing he’s decided to have amnesia over the fact that I have not promised to buy him another one at all. But hey that’s besides the point. Yes I agree that would be great.
All of this reminded me about all of the hype over the “New Year”. Some people love the idea of becoming resolute once more. A fresh start, a blank page, a new beginning. Others become anxious and annoyed over the prospect. Resolutions and goals? Seriously it’s just the day after the 31st no more no less. Plus, why set all those goals again only to break them. Aren’t I just setting myself up to fail? The failing is just too much to take. They feel the need to be “careful” with all this newness.
I noticed that as I approached the new year I had become one of the later. I was nervous and downright scared of the prospect of a whole new year a blank canvas presenting itself again. This came as a surprise to me…scared? Why was I scared? I had always been apart of the New Year cheerleading squad. I loved to hit the ground running in the New Year . Starting off with a mind bending cleanse. Where for the good of my internal organs…I wanted to eat sand… I was so hungry. Then I’d do triple meditation. Where I was really only thinking about how good sand would taste right now. Top that off with a rigorous new work out and an unrelenting work list and well I was good to go! Straight into a Hell of My own Making that Is!! I was burnt out by March, with 9 more months of making it happen… to go.
The prospect of this repetition was making me paralyzed as the countdown ticked away. Each day was like a slow motion ball drop in Time Square, minus Dick Clark and The Black Eyed Peas! Aaaaahhh I was falling fast. And it was ruining my celebration. This just wouldn’t do.
Oh if only I had a can of “New Again” spray. I would spray a good dose on all life situations that had become stale, tarnished or just plain ole broken. One good spray could render me “Brand New Again” no rememberence of old heart ache grief and sadness over life not going right. Or at least according to me!
Sadly I went into my meditation on the 29th. Trying to work up the energy to do what I must.
When all of a sudden it happened. I saw in a instant through the chaotic fog of my mind the “Easy” button sold at Staples. You know the one it’s red and round and you push it… and well nothing happens except you remind yourself to take it easy.
Seriously that guy must have made millions on a thing that doesn’t even require batteries.
But it works!
In the pea soup of my soul I pushed with all of my might the “EASY” button.
And immediately I relaxed.
I opened up and re- focused my Inner Eye, to a Life and a Year that I’d never seen before. Seen through eyes that don’t take into account all of the pasts grievencess and perceived failings and missed opportunities of the years before. They are after all her-story.
All of this opened me up to the “Brand New-ness of life”
I was Re-charged, Fear-free and Brand New!
I breazed through a Juice cleanse and lively meditations. Incorporated healing Yoga and nature enriching hikes. I lost pounds and baggage and It all felt so free and easy!
With batteries charged I was ready to enter my New Year.
Ready to let go and play free. Not afraid of the bumps and bruises that are sure to come in a life well lived. But willing to go full out and even when I fall to pick myself up dust off and start … Anew…not just Again!
New car smell and All!!
It’s hot and my energy is low and I’m feeling around for the plug to plug in my phone. My hands search for the place that it should but I’m not finding it. So then I go on a true search as my anger mounts. Usually this is not such a big deal. It’s all in the day of being a mommy. The kids have probably taken the plug to plug in their various games and toys and have left it somewhere among their stuff .
But right now the locust are upon me and my ” things don’t bother me pile” is over flowing into the “don’t fu&*$ with me basket”!
Straw meet camel.
Did I mention that I’m also plagued with the inability to see. I’m not talking about the I wear contacts and glasses kind of I can’t see and ( yes I wear those too). I’m talkin bout even with said contacts in -or glasses – on I see thru a glass smeared in vasaline…I’m in a Kandisky painting and it’s not one of the pretty ones.
But this inability to see is totally trumped by the fact that they are also running and blood shot. It’s official.
I am a Hot Mess!
After a trip to the eye doctor I come home with a wad of prescriptions and a totally unsatisfactory name for what is plaguing me. “Dry Eye”. What the Hell? I need a name like one of the ones they use for all of the 101 new drugs they want us to “Ask our Doctor about” . You know a hip cool concern inducing name like Eyeretoniosis! Yeah that feels about right hard to pronounce and you definitely feel a get well card might be waranted.
But dry eye does nothing to express the misery I feel as I shield my eyes from the slightest of light and skulk around in dark sunglasses like someone out of Twilight.
“Come out side to play mommy?”
Sorry kids I can’t… I have dry eye.
This along with just enough energy to get me through the morning …has me feeling down right concerned.
What is happening to me?
I google the symptoms.
I don’t recommend this!
According to them I need a Will and great insurance.
I go to the Doctors not the dry eye one the other one. And they take blood…seems like lots of it! I remind them that my energy is low…maybe I can’t spare that much blood. They smile and keep drawing.
Another unsatisfactory report.
According to your blood work you are fine…as far as I can see. Is he looking at me the “the hot mess”?
He asks…”Are you under a lot of stress”?
I arrive home with nothing… no news worthy of the “situation” that is me.
My husband takes my hand as I walk in the door rambling on.
“Sit down” he says as he hands me a glass of water.
I sit and talk.
I drink and talk.
“Lie down” he says.
I lie down talking.
Close your eyes.
I close my eyes as I continue to speak of my plight.
I become quiet.
Now he says “rest yourself”.
A completely foreign Idea.
He strokes my head as he speaks of me in foreign terms…
“You are Perfection…Magical and Amazing. Your strength is dazzling and your beauty is divine… Your creativity blows me away….
“I am humbled by your vision of life and our future”
I quietly listen.
I allow the words to cover me like a cool compress to the head. To relieve the raging heat of the “gotta get stuff done- ers” To quiet the riot that is me…missing my mark!
I see myself “clearly” through my Beloveds Eyes!
And I am Perfect and Luminous because I am Loved!
All 5’4 and quarter inches of the Mess that I am…right now.
And in that moment I know I will be fine no matter what google says.
I Know that this Love this kind of being Loved!
Will make me well again…
A tear falls…
Something in me uncoils…
I relax as I slip into healing sleep!
Aaaahhhh the power of Love!!
A quiet nobody needs you moment. No calls to return moment .
A long morning stretching into a long afternoon and l o n g n i g h t…. moment.
Where I catch myself staring into the baby blue abyss of nothing ness as my toes sink into white sand, and the sweat drops from my 3rd margarita… moment.
Hmmm sorry did you say something….
I’m looking for one of those dinner magically appeared moments …come to think of it so did breakfast and lunch yep like magic just kinda out of the blue moments.
And I truly am sorry but I need a don’t call mommy moment.
A… I just sat down but now you need one more thing…but I don’t have to get it moment.
Where I kinda just watch you being cared for and then we laugh and chat…mommy moments.
Hmmmm what kinda moment is that…oh yeah “Having Help” moments.
Where I can enjoy you but someone else takes care of your moment to moment…Moment !
I need that.
That’s what I need.
But until that moment … there is this one.
The one where this day is almost done and I have figured it out again moment.
Where my house is clean and the kiddies are played with and fed and put to bed…Lordy…thank you moment.
This quiet… free of laughter and play and strife and yearning and doing and list..ing … Moment.
I have done this.
I didn’t fall down on the job today moment.
I worked my body and my mind today moment.
I answered the emails and the texts and calls today moment.
I kept my spirits up today moment.
This Now moment where I’m gonna sit down as the fan whirs and the kiddies sleep and the hubby cuddles and the night falls moment.
I have been working myself to the corners! All the corners of my life are filled.
From the get up with the kids and the meals and the snacks and the rubbed faces and the clothes and the breakfast and the backpack and the wave goodbye at the door.
To the water and the meditate and the cardio barre and the shake.
To the sweeping and cleaning and scrubbing and wiping and washing.
To the calls and appointments and meetings and emails …and calls.
To the tweeting and texting and blogging and writing…and writing.
To the pick up and homework and dinner and talking and playing.
To the goodnight stories and hugging and kissing and tucking.
To the emails and texting and posting and writing.
All the corners
So as I drug myself to run this morning I could feel the steam rising from my skin my head my finger tips!
I’m pissed off
Where is my SHIT!!!
Where is the effort reward ratio!!
I mean REALLY… !!!
Then somewhere in the second mile I began to laugh.
No not all of a sudden.
It started off as a quicker pace. Then a twitch in my belly. Then a eye raise …then a smirk.
Then a full Laugh!!
I am RUNNING… Pissed Off!!
I’m not lying in my bed letting the covers absorb my pity party. Or eating my pity with a side of donuts. Or being further drug down by inactivity and FOX News.
To all that would try to get me down.
As a middle finger to any thought in my mind that I am not loved and supported.
To put on notice any thought that says that I AM not enough that what I am doing is not of importance.
I am Running!
And as my stride lengthens.
A kinda peace sets in.
My shoulders feel lighter and my head clearer.
An attitude of Gratitude fills my corners.
My Husband, My Children, My House, My Love, My Life.
Pushes the corners and expands them till I have room….
To See that
I am Still Running!
You Glow Girl
Todays topic Speak up Smile Up!!!
Stop being so Afraid to talk to “strangers” A kind word a smile to the Parent next to you in line…as you walk your child into the same school, for a whole year…. never did anyone any harm!!
Same goes to the person next to you in your work out class or the person who you always seem to see at the grocery store, yogurt shop, bank line, post office!!
We are all in this together the days of being so very painfully shy have an expiration date and well YOU ARE PASSED IT!
Speak Up Smile Up!!!
“Yeah I Said it!!
My daughters birthday is coming up in a couple of days and with all of the prep and getting ready for the fun I am invariably asked the question “what does she want for her birthday”? Well as the mom I come up with all kinds of roundabout lists of what “I want for her”. More books some new tops, a hoola hoop (both of us want that) some new crayons. And the things I don’t want please oh please no small plastic toys! Ok so I don’t actually say that. But I’m screaming that in my head. Especially when I’m looking at said plastic toy discarded underneath the couch 2 days later. ”Little play ponies” teeny tiny fake comb never to be found again…until of course we move or we break “Little Pony”! Or I throw him in the trash. Yes I have been known to do such a thing.
Now if you have the pleasure of asking my daughter what she wants. She with out fail – with a slur only a little toothless mouth can produce, say “the ability to fly”! Much to my complete laughter and awe I have listened to her tell Santa the Easter Bunny and write it out for the tooth fairy and anyone else who comes bearing gifts.
The Ability to Fly!
There it is as simple as can be and as delightful and unanswerable as they come. I love to watch the responses. From the stutter. To the laugh. To the justification of just how…they might be able to contribute to such a feat. Flying in an airplane. No not the same she declares. Jumping out of said airplane – Oh no why would anyone do that she states non plussed.
But the reaction I love the most is the big grin and delighted clap of hands
as the person expresses how they too used to want that ability.
Aaaahhh the Joy of a shared experience. It gives the most satisfaction.
When I was a child I really used to think that I could fly. I’d wake from such vivid flying dreams that I was sure Tinker Bell or her step cousins – sister had sprinkled me with fairy dust. If only I didn’t toss and turn so much at night. There would be enough to give me a little flutter flight boost in the day.
One could think that this is just the whimsy of a child. But I am sure that if asked most of us really don’t even know what our hearts desire is. That isf course past a break from work or a nap. Or a vacation or a break from work with a nap.
But that is just momentary.
Your hearts delight and desire is much deeper than that.
Right now my heart is set a flutter with the thought of a trip around the world. A crazy glamorous trip culminating in living in a exotic place for a year and immersing myself in their culture.
Aaaahhh whew there… it’s out!
How long has it been since you have asked for what you really want. With out fear of sounding ridiculous?
Or even just admitted it to yourself. In a small corner of your mind. The honest unadulterated truth of just what you want.
I believe the ability to fly is not the only thing my child wants. She desires to express herself and speak her truth unencumbered.
I shall do that today.
Desire my trip around the world. Without thought to how impossible it is and where would the money come from and what babysitter would come with us on such a crazy adventure, because we would want a date night…and how and where would the money come from…did I say that already!
Just the Desire is enough….